The Truth
by ShortInsomniac
Summary: Based loosely on the musical podcast '36 Questions,' this story is set almost four years after the plot of 'Dear Evan Hansen.' Zoe Murphy is in her second year of college and cramming for finals when on a late night coffee run she runs into Evan Hansen, who has visibly changed since she last saw him, and who is asking for a second chance at forgiveness.
1. Chapter 1

The Truth: Part I

Chapter 1: Trying Your Damnedest to Let Go

Thirteen hours and thirty-six minutes – that's what the countdown on Zoe Murphy's laptop screen said. She had thirteen hours and thirty-six minutes until her last final, thirteen hours and thirty-six minutes until summer vacation and two months of absolute freedom. She let out a big breath of air and put her head in her hands, her elbows on her knees, then she looked up at the clock on the wall.

It was a little after eleven-thirty now, and the campus Starbucks closed at midnight. In her head, she calculated how long it would take her to get across campus as she pulled on her raincoat and grabbed her phone and her keys. Usually, it took about ten minutes walking, and an extra three for the stupid keycard to let her in after dark. But now it was pouring buckets outside, so she didn't know if she could make it in time. It wouldn't hurt to try, and even if she didn't get down there in time, at least she'd get a break from this.

She hopped out of bed and made her way out her door and into the rain. It was pitch black other than the streetlamps which illuminated the raindrops in front of her face and caused the ground to shimmer almost enchantingly. At every corner, too, were those blue glowing police towers, should you find yourself in a sticky situation after dark. She hoped she wouldn't have to use one; she'd been here for two years and hadn't had the need to yet, but…well, there's always a first time for everything.

She tried not to think of that as she trudged through two inches of water, her sneakers and socks already soaked through, sloshing and splashing with every step. Luckily, the rain didn't slow her down any, but when she got to the door and scanned her student ID to open the door, as usual, it didn't open immediately. So she tried again. And it still didn't open. Once more, she tried again, and just when she was about to give up, someone got up from the table in the corner and pushed the door open for her.

"Thanks," she said gratefully as she stepped past them into the warm, dimly lit Starbucks. She noticed a few other late night studiers were propped up, half-awake, open books and laptops in front of them, cups of coffee in hand, and she smiled, glad she wasn't the only one.

"I saw you out there and I felt bad for you standing out there in the rain, you know," the person, a man, said with a familiar, nervous kind of laugh.

"Evan?" she said, looking up at him for the first time in almost four years.

He was taller now, and a bit broader, but it was him. It was the same shade of dark blonde hair and the same blue-green eyes. The same small, anxious smile and the same nervous picking at the hem of his shirt. He had a beard now, too. Not a long, unkempt beard, but a short one that looked like he kept it very well-groomed. It looked nice on him, but she quickly shook that thought from her head, blinking it away like the raindrops that clung to her eyelashes.

"Oh, shit," he said, realizing then who he was speaking to as well. "Zoe! Hi. How are you? I –"

"God, I forgot you went here, too," she said, visibly flustered. "I…I'm okay, I guess. H-how are you?"

She wanted to disappear into thin air. She had almost hoped subconsciously never to see him at such a close range again after what he had done to her and her family. There was almost a good chance of it, too, considering the fact that he was a botany major (possibly the farthest thing from her field of study, ethnomusicology) and he had graduated early. But obviously he was back for grad school. Go figure.

"I'm…yeah, I'm doing okay, too, I guess," he said. "Hey, can we talk?"

Her heart jumped into her throat. She took a step away from him, toward the counter, and she swallowed hard. She didn't have time for this. There was no way she was going to listen to anything he had to say.

"Please, Zoe?" he said quietly, following her over to the order line.

"No, Evan," she said curtly.

"Be with you in just a second!" the barista called from the back.

"No hurry!" she called back politely, cutting a glance over to Evan. In a lower voice, she said, "Please, Evan, not now."

"I know you're probably busy, and I know I hurt you back in high school, but at least let me talk to you and try to fix things," he said.

"There are _no_ words that I can think of that would fix what you did," she hissed at him.

"At least let me start with, 'I'm sorry,'" he said.

"That's a start," she scoffed and turned to face the barista who was now making his way over to the register.

"Hi, my name is Alex," the barista smiled, oddly cheerful for so late at night in the middle of finals week. "What can I get you?"

"Uh, just a black coffee, two sugars," Zoe said.

"Alright, coming right up."

He turned and made his way back to one of the machines, giving Evan time enough to put in one more, "Please, Zoe."

"Here you are," Alex said, reappearing. "That'll be two seventy-three."

"You're pathetic," said Zoe.

"Excuse me?" Alex said, confused.

"Oh, no, not you," she said. "I'm sorry, I was talking to my friend here."

"Friend?" Evan asked.

"Friend may be the wrong word," she sighed and handed Alex the money. "Thank you."

She took her coffee and Alex wished her a good night before disappearing back into the back. Evan followed her to the door.

"Zoe, I want to make things right between us," said Evan. "I don't want there to be any more hard feelings. I don't want you to hate me."

"I don't hate you; I could never –" she stammered, and cut herself off with a small, exasperated noise. "Evan, I could never hate you, but please let me go. You have no idea how stressed I am right now and you're only exacerbating the problem."

"You have a test tomorrow?" he guessed, following her out into the rain.

She kept on walking, more purposefully than she had when she left her dorm. "Of course I do."

"What class?"

"What does it matter?"

"What class, Zoe?"

"Music theory," she said after a moment, stopping at a crosswalk and pressing the button frantically. There were no cars to be seen, but the damned thing was stuck on _DON'T WALK._

"And you really think you need to stay up all night studying for that?" he asked.

"No, not really. I just really think I don't want to talk to you about this tonight," she said, and she walked ahead, giving up on getting the light to change.

Behind her, Evan looked both ways before hesitantly stepping into the street and running after her. "Just give me one night and I swear to whatever god you want me to swear to that I will never bother you again. Please."

She started walking faster.

"Zoe, ple–Zoe!"

She was running now, with him still following her. She stopped a few yards ahead and put her finger right on the little red button in the middle of the corner police tower.

"Leave me the fuck alone! You know, maybe Connor was right. You're a _freak_."

"Zoe, come on," he said with a frown, his arms out at his sides.

In its bluish glow, Evan could see a look in her eye that told him she was serious. If he took one more step forward, he knew she'd press it. And what would it look like to the cops, an almost six-foot-tall male grad student, full beard and everything, chasing after a five-foot-something little college girl after dark in the rain? He sighed, defeated, and crossed his arms.

"Fine, you win," he said.

"Good," she said, and she took her finger off the button.

Her dorm was just a few yards up the sidewalk, and she hurried up to it.

"I still wish you'd hear me out, though," Evan said from where he was by the street.

"Evan, go home!" she said right before the biggest flash of lightning she had ever seen in her life, and a simultaneous crash of thunder, making her scream in fright.

Just then, a voice from above her head said, "Hey, you alright down there?"

"Wh-oh, fine! Thanks!" she said, calling up to the guy on the floor above her, who was peering over his balcony at them.

"He bothering you?" he asked, pointing at Evan.

Zoe glanced over at Evan, who was standing there with his hands in his pockets. "No!" she called. "I'm fine. He's not bothering me."

"Alright," the guy said. "Night, guys."

There was another lightning flash and another boom of thunder, and she jumped. " _God_ ," she said, opening the door. "You know, I can't send you away in this. Get inside."

"Really?" he said, a spark of hope in his eyes.

"Only because it's storming, Hansen, and I don't want you to get struck down by lightning," she said, nodding for him to hurry up.

"Thank you," he said, and he followed her inside. "Really."


	2. Chapter 2

The Truth: Part I

Chapter Two: Back to the Start

"Hey is that a lizard?"

On the back wall of the dorm, in a terrarium tucked between the wall and Zoe's raised metal bedframe, was a little bearded dragon perched up on a rock, basking in the light of a heating lamp.

"Yeah," she said. "Her name's Liz."

"I didn't know you could have lizards in the dorms," Evan said. He looked at it from across the room.

"You can't," she said. "So don't go telling my RA. That's the guy upstairs who stopped us."

"Oh," he said with a nod. "'Kay."

"Thanks." Zoe kicked her shoes and socks off by the door and went over to her bed.

"And your roommate won't mind me being here tonight?" Evan asked, watching Zoe as she cleared off the bed, setting her computer on her desk and gathering her notebooks to set on top of it. He glanced over to the empty bed on the other side of the room.

"Honestly? I think she dropped out," Zoe said. "I haven't seen her in weeks. Do you want a towel?"

The way she transitioned so easily from her AWOL roommate to showing him the first ounce of courtesy she had given him in four years was astonishing to Evan. He chuckled, running his fingers through his short, damp hair.

"Sure. That would be nice," he said.

"Alright."

She disappeared into the closet and came back out a few minutes later with a pink, fluffy towel. When she handed it to him, he saw that her nails, which she had always kept clean and unpainted when he knew her before, were now painted black, just like –

"Connor," she said, and for a second he thought she had read his mind, but then she went on, "um, about him calling you a freak – and then me calling you a freak just now – I…I didn't mean it and I don't think he was right. I'm sorry about that."

"That's alright," said Evan with a sad, crooked little smile. "I hadn't heard it in a while. Brought back old memories. Not necessarily _good_ memories, but still. It's alright."

"I know what you mean," she said, and she went over to her dresser. "Um, I'm gonna go ahead and change out of my wet clothes. I might have some sweats that I may or may not have stolen from my dad when I moved out and an old band shirt if you want something dry."

"Uh, sure," he said, a bit taken aback. "Hey, why'd you steal your dad's pants?"

"I liked wearing them sometimes," she shrugged. "Mostly in the winter, and because they had huge pockets."

"Oh," he nodded.

She grabbed them from one of the drawers and tossed them to him, followed a moment later by the band shirt she had mentioned. "And unless you want to go back out into the rain and make your way over to the community bathroom to change, we're unfortunately going to have to change together. Hope that doesn't bother you."

"I won't look," he said, shaking his head, his eyes wide.

"Not that you haven't seen before," she said with a slightly amused laugh.

He blushed at the thought. Of course she would point that out. They had had sex all of three times when they dated in high school, and it was horrible two out of the three of those times. He had never been more nervous in his life than he had then, and that was saying a lot. Pushing that thought to the back of his mind, he turned around so that his back was to her as they changed.

"So what do you need to talk about, Evan?" she asked, and he heard the sound of her wet clothes as they fell with a soft splat against the wooden floor.

"Well, uh, you know I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to explain to you, or um, I mean…" He paused. He had worked so hard on getting his words just right; he had practiced so much so that he wouldn't stumble over his words and stutter anymore, but now that he'd gotten the chance to talk to her and now that seeing her again brought all the memories back, it was like he was seventeen-year-old, awkward, anxious, _freak_ Evan Hansen again. He started again, "I wanted to apologize to you and to tell you the truth."

"I know the truth," she said evenly. "You never really knew my brother. He bullied you like he bullied everyone else that he viewed as a threat, and when he killed himself you lied and pretended that you were his friend. Then it all blew up in your face."

"It's a little more than that, but yeah. You've got most of it," he said, and he cleared his throat. "You dressed?"

"Yeah," she said.

He turned around, now in the dry clothes she had given him, and he saw that she was sitting on the bed. How long had she been sitting there looking at him? He tried not to care or think about it.

"Um, and I also wanted to try something, as a way to show you that not everything was a lie," he said.

"Try something?" she asked. "Like what?"

"A game," he said.

"A game?" She raised one eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, uh, have you heard of the 'Thirty-Six Questions'?" he asked.

"Is that like Twenty Questions?"

"Kind of," he nodded. "But they're very specific questions."

He sat in front of her with his phone in his hand and he pulled up the bookmarked page to show her.

"Wow, you've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?" she asked, scrolling through the questions.

"I've had a lot of time," he said.

"Alright," she said. "I'll stay up and answer some questions with you."

"Really?" He seemed surprised.

"Sure," she said. "But first, the truth."

"Right," he sighed. "Well, it all started with an assignment from my therapist. I was supposed to write letters to myself to help with confidence or something like that. It didn't really work. Or maybe it did, in a really messed-up kind of way. But anyway, in one of the letters – the one your parents found on Connor – I mentioned you."

"Wait, you wrote the suicide note?" she said, almost angry.

"It wasn't really a suicide note. I was just really upset and I had a bad first day and I really didn't want to do the stupid letters," he said. "Your parents knew; I told them later. They didn't tell you that part?"

"No, but whatever. It doesn't matter now." She shook her head. "Okay. Continue."

"And when I printed the letter, Connor got to it before I did," he said. "He confronted me, and he called me a freak. He thought I had done it just to mess with him, to make him mad so that he would overreact. I didn't, but ironically, that's how it worked out." He sighed. "Connor kept the letter, and when he…when he killed himself, and your parents found the letter which was addressed to me, they assumed he had written it. I wanted to correct them, but they truly believed I was their son's friend, and since they said he never really had any friends and they found the fact that he apparently had me comforting, I let them believe it. I didn't want to break their hearts even more by telling them the truth. And…well, it sort of got out of hand from there. Jared helped me fake a bunch of emails and you know the rest." He looked at her, waiting for some kind of reaction, but she just stared at him straight-faced and nodded. "But at least now you know I didn't do it to hurt anyone, or for any kind of, you know, malicious reasons or anything. I just didn't want to hurt Connor's parents – _your_ parents – any more than they were already hurt by his death."

She brought her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. "Well, that makes sense. I probably would have lied, too, in that circumstance. But I don't think I would have written fake emails and made up a whole fake backstory and everything that you did."

"I was stupid, Zoe," he said. "I realize this. You don't have to rub it in my face."

"I'm not rubbing it in your face!"

"Okay," he said. "Either way, I made a terrible mistake and I let it all go too far, but I was stupid and I was getting something I had never gotten before, and I didn't want to lose it. I was selfish, and so, so stupid."

"I almost want to agree with you," she said, straightening her legs out again, her feet almost touching his leg. She ran a hand through her hair, and he saw the colors. "But I can't."

"You did the indigo streaks again," he said.

"Yeah," she said, and she looked at a strand of her hair. "I know that was a lie, too, but it makes me think of Connor. After all this time, I've finally come to terms with him, with how he was, and I don't blame him anymore. I don't hate him. He needed help, and he didn't get that. He needed me and our parents, too, and we weren't there for him. So I guess this is my way of remembering him and being there for him now. I know it doesn't make up for it all, but…"

"But it's what makes you feel better," said Evan.

"Exactly," she said. "And that's why I'm letting you do this. I want us to both feel better about all the bullshit in our past, and if this is what makes you feel better, I'll do it."

"Thank you," he said with a smile.

"It's not a problem," she said, returning his smile. "Forgiving you is going to make both of us feel better. And I hope you can forgive me, too."

"For what?" he asked.

"For never listening till now."


	3. Chapter 3

The Truth: Part I

Chapter Three: In a World Full of People

With their backs to the wall and their feet dangling off the edge of her extra-long twin-size bed, Evan and Zoe sat close together with his cellphone between them on her powder blue comforter.

"Alright," Evan said, and he let out a big breath of air. "Are you sure about this?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Of course."

"'If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?'" he read, glancing over to her.

She sat up abruptly and crossed her arms in front of her chest, visibly flinching and seeming to shrink into herself.

"Well, um, that already seems like a very weighted question," she said, her eyes shifting back and forth from him to the phone between them. "Obviously, if I don't say you, you'll be offended, but if I do say you, you'll probably think I'm lying. So what am I supposed to say to that?"

"Just answer honestly. That's the whole point of this, Zoe," he said calmly. "For us to be honest with each other. Just take your time, and no, I won't be offended no matter what you say."

"Fine; my dad. I would invite my dad to dinner. I miss him."

Evan nodded, and he looked over to her again. It was easy to tell she was lying. She never had a great relationship with either of her parents. And she didn't even hesitate to move six states away for college when given the opportunity. But sure, it was possible she missed her father; just unlikely.

"Your dad?"

"Yeah. My dad."

"Okay," Evan said with another nod.

"You're acting like you don't believe me," she accused.

He laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "I don't think I do, but if that's what you want to go with, we can move on," he said in an agreeable tone.

"Alright, not my dad, obviously," she said. "Obama."

"Obama? You know, I pinned you as more of a Biden girl," he teased.

"And you'd be right," she said. "I mean, what can I do here but lie? The truth is shit anyway, in this circumstance."

"Why?"

She didn't answer. She didn't want to answer. She didn't have a good response, and she doubted that the truth held any bearing. Of course she would invite him. She had always wanted to invite him. Since the day he left, she had secretly hoped to see him again. Deep down, she had always had this fantasy that she would meet him again, just like this, and they would be able to start fresh, far away from their parents and their old high school and that God-forsaken little town where everyone knew about the lies.

Eternities seemed to pass as she rethought all of this, or maybe just seconds. Finally, she sighed and looked up at him again.

"Adele," she said a little more lightly. "I would invite Adele over for dinner."

"Mhm."

He took the notebook from her lap and started to write something. She had dug it out of her backpack, claiming she wanted to use it to keep a record of their answers. Really, she had grabbed it to act as some sort of makeshift shield, but she didn't realize that fact until he had taken it from her.

"What are you writing?" she asked, sitting up on her knees and turning toward him in an attempt to see, but he angled it away from her.

"My answer," he told her.

"What's your answer?"

He smiled mischievously. "Tell me yours and then I'll tell you mine."

She shook her head and laughed to herself, then she looked up at him. "Jared Padalecki."

"Oh, now you aren't just lying. You're trying to make me feel inferior now, too," he chuckled.

"Is it working?" she asked quietly, teasingly.

"Give me your real answer, Zoe Murphy," he said.

"Okay, fine," she said, sobering. "You. In a world full of people, I would have dinner with you. Over Obama and Adele and my parents. And even over Jared Padalecki, even though…even though he _is_ actual perfection in human form."

Evan laughed. "That seemed a little backhanded but I get it," he said. "The six-foot-four Texan is a god, but I'm the one you want. A bit romantic, really."

"Oh, shut up," she said, smacking his arm playfully. "Of course I would want to have you over for dinner. It's always been you. I would invite you over, and I would try to work out everything that's happened between us. I would ask questions and I would try to understand why you did what you did, and why you haven't spoken to me since that day in the orchard almost a year after you left, and what's happened with you since. And why we're here now. But…I don't know if either of us really knows the answer to that one."

"Wow," he said softly, nodding. "Yeah, I…wow."

There was a long pause then, the silence hanging in the air stagnantly.

"Okay," she said, clearing her throat as she sat back down beside him. "Who would you invite?"

"You, of course," he said, his voice almost a whisper.

She smiled. "Really? No hesitation, no lies, you would choose me?"

"I thought that was fairly obvious," he said.

"Well –"

There was another crash – the first in a long time, actually – and the lights went out.

"Shit!" Zoe cried.

"Was that thunder?" he asked. "I thought the storm had almost calmed down." Evan felt the mattress move, and his phone slid over, stopping against his leg. He picked it up and turned the flashlight on. "Zoe?"

"The goddamn transformer blew," she said. " _Again_. It happens any time there's a big storm like this."

In the light produced by his phone, he saw her running over to the terrarium behind her headboard. She grabbed the heating lamp off, threw the lid open, and pulled Liz out gently.

"I'm sorry, Liz," she cooed, placing the lizard on her chest and holding a hand over it. "I didn't mean to wake you, baby. The power's out and I gotta keep you warm."

"Is she gonna be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, she should be fine," Zoe said. She came back and sat beside Evan, careful to hold onto the lizard to keep her from falling. "I just have to keep her warm till the power comes back."

"You aren't on the same grid as the hospital?" he asked.

"No," she said as though the thought had never occurred to her. "I…I don't think I am."

"Huh," he said. "My dorm is, so the power's probably still on there if you wanna take her down there till it comes back."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," she said. "I don't want you to get caught with this level of contraband in your room. I'm sure there's a lot more riding on your back than mine."

"It's really no trouble," he said. "My RA never checks in on us and my roommate wouldn't tell. He's in Sydney with the study abroad program anyway, so it's not like he really could."

"I don't know," she said hesitantly. "I say we give it an hour or two at least."

"Okay," he said, keeping the light on the lizard even though he knew it produced no heat. It was more because he wanted to get a better look at it. "That works."

"You wanna hold her?"

"Uh, I–I–I," he stammered, "I don't think that's necessary."

"Come on," Zoe said with a smile, "you know you want to."

"I do, but I don't want to hurt her, so I'm good. Thanks," he said quickly.

"She doesn't bite," she said. "She might hiss if you freak her out or hurt her, but I don't think you really have to worry about that."

" _Hiss_?" he said nervously.

"Yeah, they hiss," she said. "Just like snakes."

"I didn't know lizards made noise."

"Here," she said, and she took the phone from him and laid it on the bed. "Just…I'll put her on your leg and we'll see what she does. You'll be fine. Just calm down."

She placed the lizard gently on his leg and picked the phone up again to shine the light on Liz. Evan, who was visibly tense, began to calm down a little as he looked at the lizard, who began looking around. He touched her spiny head and she looked up at him curiously.

"She's actually really cute," he said with a little laugh.

"She totally is," Zoe said. "And she's really cool. She's quiet and she's not a big mess-maker. She doesn't require walks, though I do have a leash for her for walking her around the dorm. And anyway, I think she likes you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, she's not trying to get away, and she hasn't hissed yet."

He laughed under his breath. "That's awesome. I like her, too."

"I can take her back now if you want," she said.

"No," he said, running a finger down the lizard's back, "that's alright."

"Alright, then," Zoe said, and she looked down at Evan's phone again. "On to question two?"


End file.
